Music Industry

Dating A Musician? Here’s 7 Things You Need To Know

01 January 2022 by Gaetano
gaetano dating musician

Dating for musicians can be complex. But it can be even more challenging for their non-musician partner. Here’s everything you need to know about dating a musician.

Whether you’re a male or female in the music industry, there are various complexities that can make things very challenging when it comes to dating a musician. Before I even get into it, let me properly preface this with some important context. Pay attention to the next line.

As a male musician, dating is not what you think it is. Women are not throwing themselves at you just because you play the guitar.


To every non-musician reading this, you’re just an outsider looking in.

Your entire life, you’ve been fed lies. Here are some of the most common false truths about musicians when it comes to dating:

  • Musicians/Artists get TONS of gorgeous women falling for them.
  • Musicians/Artists regularly get groupies after all their shows.
  • Musicians/Artists can get any woman they choose.
  • Musicians/Artists have a lot of money.
  • Musicians/Artists are players, or promiscuous.
  • Musicians/Artists get panties thrown at them.

While every upcoming male singer-songwriter has some female supporters, nothing really comes close to an official “groupie.” To every dude dreaming of becoming a rock star just for the chicks, I’m pretty sure I just shattered all your hopes & dreams. Sorry. (Not really).

Dating 1.JPG

This was fun, but really just a part of the show. 

To every person that thought you actually get panties thrown at you while you’re on stage, that doesn’t happen unless you’re Usher. Groupies don’t care about you when you’re on the come up, because you’re likely broke and struggling.

Sadly, the groupies are trying to weasel their way into the VIP at Gansevoort to get a glimpse at Trey Songz, not come to your show at some hole in the wall joint. But enough of all this groupie talk – Let me further explain why dating as a musician is so hard.


I’ll be the first to admit that many guys in general don’t approach women respectfully anymore.

I see beautiful women every single day of my life. During my subway commutes, in elevators, coffee shops, while ordering lunch, at music shows, etc.

But it really hit me the other day – most women on the NYC subways are wearing headphones and playing candy crush. Is this what life has come to? With all these beautiful women glued to their smart phones, even in so many public & social scenarios, infiltrating that digital barrier is a very difficult thing to do. Especially for an introvert like me. (Yes, it’s true).

I spoke about this very issue with NYC-based Matchmaker & Dating/Relationship Expert, Rachel Russo. Here’s what she had to say about it:

“The problem with dating in NYC is that with the rise of mobile dating apps, singles have more options than ever. New Yorkers are swiping away everywhere, but all of these “connections” are leading to nothing but an epic failure to actually commit in relationships.”

Russo also states that, “People are so obsessed with the matches that are about to expire on their phones, that they are missing out on the opportunities passing by right in front of them.”

I couldn’t agree with her more. We’ve become a swipe left, swipe right obsessed culture. It’s become very damaging to people who still value human connection.

My opinion is that most men are doing it totally wrong. Almost daily, I see some loser guy acting like a savage in order to get a woman’s attention. As a result, women in NYC have their guard up, and for good reason – there are tons of creeps out there ruining it for the rest of us.

However, good guys still exist. I’d like to think I’m one of them. The reality though is that when women meet me, they immediately start thinking I’m a player once they find out I’m an R&B singer.

I had one girl ask me recently, “So, what’s your damage?”

In plain English, she wanted to know how many girls I’ve been with. Unfortunately, that information is classified. A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell…

The other issue with dating in general – is that because of this strange culture we’ve created in our generation, a guy can’t even approach a girl anymore without “being thirsty.” 


I’m an upcoming songwriter, and as of last year I’ve been documenting all of my music experiences via my blog and as a contributing writer to Digital Music News. As you can imagine, my life is really busy. I’m working hard to invest in my future. Therefore, the one thing that I’m always lacking is time.

Aside from that – I have very ambitious long term career goals, and I’m pretty busy trying to achieve them. I want to write a book, get my PH.D., land a publishing deal (with either Warner/Chappell, Sony/ATV, or Universal), win a Grammy, open a music studio in NYC, become a world class marketing consultant, and more.

Randi Zuckerberg (sister of Facebook’s CEO, Mark Zuckerberg) says busy people, particularly entrepreneurs, can only have 3 out of these 5 work-life balance items.

  • Work
  • Sleep
  • Family
  • Friends
  • Fitness

That’s a bold statement, but I’d have to agree it’s kind of true. For me personally, I’ve dedicated most of my time towards work, sleep, friends.

Now this flat out sucks when it comes to fulfilling a woman’s every lingering desire, because time is the one thing that she will likely want the most, but it’s the element that there is the least amount of. That’s why it is absolutely critical to have a woman who understands the grind, otherwise it just won’t work.


No matter how you look at it, jealousy can make any relationship extremely toxic. I have nothing but the utmost respect for any woman brave enough to date a musician. If it’s going to work though, there has to be lots of trust.

It’s certainly understandable for a woman to think that groupies are readily accessible at any given moment, but that’s just simply not the case. In my past experiences, re-assuring her that not every female artist I work with is trying to sleep with me has only been half the battle won. The other half is doing things like inviting her to studio sessions and shows, so she can see that life as an indie musician is not a Gucci Mane music video.


This never happens in real life. 

This all goes back to trust and honesty – but women must know that late nights in the studio are NOT equivalent to cheating. Not saying that’s never happened, but it’s up to the musician to remain faithful, and up to the woman to be understanding and supportive. Also vice versa if its the other way around!


I have many artist friends that are investing quite a bit of coin into their personal careers. While it may seem unreasonable to drop over $1,000 on a music video to the average person, this is very necessary for advancing the career of an upcoming artist.

Some artist/musician friends of mine are sacrificing it all for the chance to live their dreams. Working two jobs, and living with their parents so that they don’t have to spend money on expensive NYC rent. They understand that in order to be successful you absolutely have to invest in yourself, there’s just no way around it.

Thankfully, I have lots of skills I’ve been able to lean on to generate cash flow. I’ve done everything from marketing consultations to offering my musicianship for hire. I’ve also produced records, played sets at bars, gave guitar lessons.

This is what it cost to produce my debut EP, “Fade Away”

Budget Presentation


Alright, this is actually true. Official musician time is the “add 1 hour” rule. If there’s one thing I know a woman doesn’t like, it’s being kept waiting. I gotta do better. I’m not the best with punctuality, but I try to be. I will say this though – train delays have screwed me over in most cases where I was actually on time, but ended up being late.

musicians are always late


I’m not woman bashing here, but lets be real. Some (not all) women will try to evaluate what you’ve done, who you’ve worked with, and ultimately – what they can gain from your situation. I can’t tell you how many females have been overtly flirtatious with me and even pretended to be interested, just to try and get something for free. It’s not all females by any means, but there are certainly quite a few opportunists out there.

In fact, I spoke with a very talented artist friend of mine,  J’Maine Jones on this very subject. Shockingly, here’s what he had to say:

“A girl once snatched my bank receipt out my hand just so she could see how much money I had in my account. Then after invading my privacy she had the nerve to say, OH THAT’S IT? SH*T, I THOUGHT YOU MADE MORE MONEY THAN THAT.”

That said, I think opportunism is a music industry problem in general. I recently had a conversation with my friend Shay Leonia – She’s a talented artist and was asking me how to break into the songwriter “placement scene.”

While I think this scene as a whole can become a soul sucking rat race full of rejection and frustration, I told her that my recommendation is to approach producers with “What services can I offer? How can I help you with projects that you’re working on?”

This selfless mindset is one that most artists never think with, but often leads to more reward in the long-run because it allows you to nurture and build relationships in a genuine and organic fashion.


At this point, you’d think it just makes sense to date within the music scene. Look at all the commonalities. You’ll share the same goals and struggles. You can be there for each other when things go wrong. You’ll be able to help each other in studio sessions, and even make beautiful duets. So it should be a no-brainer, right? WRONG.

There was once a time when I really wanted to find a girl that was pursuing music just like me. I would always think how wonderful it would be to share that same passion of music with someone who is just as passionate about it as I am. Turns out, in my 8+ years of being in the industry, it has never happened. Why is that? Well, based on my experience, here is why.

  • Some females I’ve encountered in music were already dating (or f*cking) a producer to get free records.
  • Some female artists I’ve met are simply just too stand-offish.
  • Some females have already found their musical hubby.
  • Other females just don’t have the time or interest in dating period.


I’m sorry but I’m not the Netflix & Chill type. I’m not the Tinder type either. I refuse to believe that dating has transformed to align with our social media crazed, ridiculously low-attention span lifestyles, where a swipe left or swipe right will determine our fate. I still prefer to approach a woman with good old fashioned intelligent conversation and human connection. Unfortunately, opportunities for this type of interaction have become increasingly limited.

Being a musician doesn’t make it any easier to attract women. Some might even argue that it makes things more difficult. I still don’t know if I’d prefer to date within the music industry or outside of it. All I know is that I definitely need someone who is compromising and understanding to the grind, whether they’re a part of it or not.


To get in touch with Gaetano, follow him on Instagram: @official_gaetano

Gaetano is a Miami, FL 🌴 based songwriter, music producer and growth marketer. As he grinds through the music industry, Gaetano is documenting his experiences and sharing his story through his brutally honest articles.

11 Thoughts on Dating A Musician? Here’s 7 Things You Need To Know
    15 Feb 2016

    Thank you so much for the mention, Gaetano! Proud music-couple participant as well, and I’ve found that it’s so much easier to be involved with someone who does music also. There’s just so much that doesn’t need to be explained when you’re with someone who does what you do, especially pertaining to this realm. Would love to expand on this further and may work on a response piece to this so I don’t go on & on in your comments! 😀

      15 Feb 2016

      Hi Shay, thanks for reading and commenting. Totally agree with your points, although its something I’ve yet to enjoy, perhaps someday I will. Would love for you to do a response piece, I’d be interested in collaborating on that. Let me know!

    1 Mar 2021

    This article was amazingly wrote! I actually agree very much with the experience of yours, since i’ve been trough some, more or less the same stuff. Strange industry we live in yet at the end of the day, can’t get art making out of the head. Peace and love!

    Actual working female musician
    18 Jul 2021

    I’m not sure where you are getting the idea that groupies don’t throw themselves at male musicians. I am a female musician who plays with goodlooking male musicians and at 100% of the shows we do, even small local shows, there is always at least one woman in the audience who has taken a fancy to someone in the band and is trying to hit on them after the show. I also have many male musician friends whom I know for a fact have cheated on their spouses or girlfriends while on tour. It is a bit frustrating as a woman to see this happening but there is literally nothing I can do about it. If you are a goodlooking and talented male musician, there will always be a woman in the audience who wants to get with that. I myself am dating a goodlooking and talented male musician and I constantly have to watch female fans hit on him. All I can do is trust that he prefers me to all of them, and be glad that those women ALSO recognize how amazing my man is. It’s not the most reassuring thing to think about it when he’s out on tour and I’m not, but again, there’s nothing that can be done about it as long as there are thirsty women out there who want to get with a rock star–which is everywhere.

    girlfriend of a musician
    4 Aug 2022

    Hey! I thought this was a very interesting read, congrats on your success and achievements! I wanted to ask for some advice – my boyfriend is an independent musical artist, we’re both 20/21yo and in college, he’s a little popular online but his career path does scare me a little as I’m someone whose family priotirizes financial stability and he doesn’t really make money from his music and isn’t as popular as where he wants to be. I want to be supportive but it does scare me. I know he’s insanely talented but to make a living can be hard. And he thinks I’m not investing my time and energy into his career but we’re both young and not really making money right now. Am I valid in my thoughts? How do I support him better?

    Jabez Daniels
    15 Dec 2022

    Hi, I fall in that category, same as your boyfriend. But my girlfriend has been really supportive to my surprise, she kinda understands the game, the struggle every musician has face. That’s all you need to do, keep believing in him and encouraging him to try new things, new opportunities to put himself out there and gain recognition even if money is a p. I hope my comment was helpful, I’m Jay 🙌

      4 Feb 2023

      Hi Jay! I’m dating a music producer and he tries to explain to me what he actually does and I understand it to an extent but not clearly which makes him upset. I want to show him I’m here supporting him fully. How can I do that? How do I show him I’m understanding what he does?

    20 Jul 2023

    Thank you for this write up. I’m very interested in a musician from my homestate. He grew up about an hour from me. We’ve talked off and on and I’ve done some flirting. I’m sure he’s cautious, as I would be too. I became interested not based on his career, but how he treats me as person. I’ve even told him if he need any help from me, to please let me know.

      29 Sep 2023

      You’re a good person!

    29 Sep 2023

    Hey Jay, I met a guy that has told me that he is a singer, that he has been on Broadway but is currently out in LA putting together a concert to launch his career (states that he sings songs like Michael Buble). He states that he has none of his music online, no social media accounts. I’m 40 and he is 55. How likely does this sound?

      29 Sep 2023

      Sounds like he is trying to scam you or something. No social media accounts is an immediate red flag.

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