Music Industry

Here’s The Brutal Truth About Dating a Musician

11 March 2024 by Gaetano
gaetano dating musician

Dating for musicians can be complex. But it can be even more challenging for their non-musician partner. Here’s everything you need to know about dating a musician.

The bottom line is that dating a musician is extremely difficult, especially in the beginning stages.

Your musician partner is usually:

  1. Broke
  2. Struggling
  3. Frustrated
  4. Unstable
  5. Busy

They are living unconventional lifestyles far outside of the typical 9 to 5.

Are you willing to support that? The truth is — life as an upcoming musician is not all that glorious.

MYTHS ABOUT DATING A MUSICIAN

To every non-musician reading this, you’re just an outsider looking in.

Your entire life, you’ve been fed lies. Here are some of the most common false truths about musicians when it comes to dating:

  • Musicians/Artists get TONS of gorgeous women falling for them.
  • Musicians/Artists regularly get groupies after all their shows.
  • Musicians/Artists can get any woman they choose.
  • Musicians/Artists have a lot of money.
  • Musicians/Artists are players, or promiscuous.
  • Musicians/Artists get panties thrown at them.

While every upcoming male singer-songwriter has some female supporters, nothing really comes close to an official “groupie.” To every dude dreaming of becoming a rock star just for the chicks, get real with yourself.

To every person that thought you actually get panties thrown at you while you’re on stage, this only happens for famous rappers. Groupies don’t care about you when you’re on the come up, because you’re likely broke and struggling.

Most women want the guys who are already famous and successful. That’s just the bottom line.

1. NOT ALL MUSICIANS ARE PLAYERS

I spoke about this very issue with NYC-based Matchmaker & Dating/Relationship Expert, Rachel Russo. Here’s what she had to say about it:

“The problem with dating in NYC is that with the rise of mobile dating apps, singles have more options than ever. New Yorkers are swiping away everywhere, but all of these “connections” are leading to nothing but an epic failure to actually commit in relationships.”

I couldn’t agree with her more. We’ve become a swipe left, swipe right obsessed culture. It’s become very damaging to people who still value human connection.

But the bigger problem is that your musician partner is often not in a great position to be in a committed relationship. Their lifestyles are so wacky that it creates problems for people who want a more steady, conventional relationship.

2. TIME WILL BE SCARCE

I’m an upcoming songwriter, and as of last year I’ve been documenting all of my music experiences via my blog and as a contributing writer to Digital Music News. As you can imagine, my life is really busy. I’m working hard to invest in my future. Therefore, the one thing that I’m always lacking is time.

Aside from that – I have very ambitious long term career goals, and I’m pretty busy trying to achieve them. I want to write a book, get my PH.D., land a publishing deal (with either Warner/Chappell, Sony/ATV, or Universal), win a Grammy, open a music studio in NYC, become a world class marketing consultant, and more.

Randi Zuckerberg (sister of Facebook’s CEO, Mark Zuckerberg) says busy people, particularly entrepreneurs, can only have 3 out of these 5 work-life balance items.

  • Work
  • Sleep
  • Family
  • Friends
  • Fitness

That’s a bold statement, but I’d have to agree it’s kind of true. For me personally, I’ve dedicated most of my time towards work, sleep, friends.

Now this flat out sucks when it comes to fulfilling a woman’s every lingering desire, because time is the one thing that she will likely want the most, but it’s the element that there is the least amount of. That’s why it is absolutely critical to have a woman who understands the grind, otherwise it just won’t work.

3. JEALOUSY MAY PLAGUE THE RELATIONSHIP

No matter how you look at it, jealousy can make any relationship extremely toxic. I have nothing but the utmost respect for any woman brave enough to date a musician. If it’s going to work though, there has to be lots of trust.

It’s certainly understandable for a woman to think that groupies are readily accessible at any given moment, but that’s just simply not the case. In my past experiences, re-assuring her that not every female artist I work with is trying to sleep with me has only been half the battle won. The other half is doing things like inviting her to studio sessions and shows, so she can see that life as an indie musician is not a Gucci Mane music video.

This all goes back to trust and honesty – but women must know that late nights in the studio are NOT equivalent to cheating. Not saying that’s never happened, but it’s up to the musician to remain faithful, and up to the woman to be understanding and supportive. Also vice versa if its the other way around!

4. MONEY WILL BE AN ISSUE

I have many artist friends that are investing quite a bit of coin into their personal careers. While it may seem unreasonable to drop over $1,000 on a music video to the average person, this is very necessary for advancing the career of an upcoming artist.

Some artist/musician friends of mine are sacrificing it all for the chance to live their dreams. Working two jobs, and living with their parents so that they don’t have to spend money on expensive NYC rent. They understand that in order to be successful you absolutely have to invest in yourself, there’s just no way around it.

Thankfully, I have lots of skills I’ve been able to lean on to generate cash flow. I’ve done everything from marketing consultations to offering my musicianship for hire. I’ve also produced records, played sets at bars, gave guitar lessons.

This is what it costs to produce an independent music project.

Budget Presentation

5. BEING AROUND OTHER MEN & WOMEN IN THE MUSIC INDUSTRY WILL BECOME PROBLEMATIC

The music business is a promiscuous world. If you’re a female, you’re constantly surrounded by hungry males — in the studio, at events, and on social media.

If you’re a male, the opposite is true — there are attractive women around all the time, and the opportunity to be promiscuous is bountiful.

The other problem for male musicians is that women will use you for their advantage.

I can’t tell you how many females have been overtly flirtatious with me and even pretended to be interested, just to try and get something for free. It’s not all females by any means, but there are certainly quite a few opportunists out there.

I recently had a conversation with my friend Shay Leonia – She’s a talented artist and was asking me how to break into the songwriter “placement scene.”

While I think this scene as a whole can become a soul sucking rat race full of rejection and frustration, I told her that my recommendation is to approach music producers with “What services can I offer? How can I help you with projects that you’re working on?”

This selfless mindset is one that most artists never think with, but often leads to more reward in the long-run because it allows you to nurture and build relationships in a genuine and organic fashion.

6. DATING OTHER MUSICIANS CAN BE VERY COMPLEX

At this point, you’d think it just makes sense to date within the music scene. Look at all the commonalities. You’ll share the same goals and struggles. You can be there for each other when things go wrong. You’ll be able to help each other in studio sessions, and even make beautiful duets. So it should be a no-brainer, right? WRONG.

There was once a time when I really wanted to find a girl that was pursuing music just like me. I would always think how wonderful it would be to share that same passion of music with someone who is just as passionate about it as I am. Turns out, in my 8+ years of being in the industry, it has never happened. Why is that? Well, based on my experience, here is why.

  • Some females I’ve encountered in music were already dating (or f*cking) a producer to get free records.
  • Some female artists I’ve met are simply just too stand-offish.
  • Some females have already found their musical hubby.
  • Other females just don’t have the time or interest in dating period.

THE BOTTOM LINE WHEN IT COMES TO DATING A MUSICIAN

Being a musician doesn’t make it any easier to attract women. Some might even argue that it makes things more difficult. I still don’t know if I’d prefer to date within the music industry or outside of it. Either way, you have to evaluate the pros and cons and make the best decision for yourself.


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To get in touch with Gaetano, follow him on Instagram: @official_gaetano


Gaetano is a Miami, FL 🌴 based songwriter, music producer and growth marketer. As he grinds through the music industry, Gaetano is documenting his experiences and sharing his story through his brutally honest articles.


11 Thoughts on Here’s The Brutal Truth About Dating a Musician
    Shay
    15 Feb 2016
    8:54pm

    Thank you so much for the mention, Gaetano! Proud music-couple participant as well, and I’ve found that it’s so much easier to be involved with someone who does music also. There’s just so much that doesn’t need to be explained when you’re with someone who does what you do, especially pertaining to this realm. Would love to expand on this further and may work on a response piece to this so I don’t go on & on in your comments! 😀

      Gaetano
      15 Feb 2016
      9:04pm

      Hi Shay, thanks for reading and commenting. Totally agree with your points, although its something I’ve yet to enjoy, perhaps someday I will. Would love for you to do a response piece, I’d be interested in collaborating on that. Let me know!

    SpectahX
    1 Mar 2021
    1:29am

    This article was amazingly wrote! I actually agree very much with the experience of yours, since i’ve been trough some, more or less the same stuff. Strange industry we live in yet at the end of the day, can’t get art making out of the head. Peace and love!

    Actual working female musician
    18 Jul 2021
    11:16pm

    I’m not sure where you are getting the idea that groupies don’t throw themselves at male musicians. I am a female musician who plays with goodlooking male musicians and at 100% of the shows we do, even small local shows, there is always at least one woman in the audience who has taken a fancy to someone in the band and is trying to hit on them after the show. I also have many male musician friends whom I know for a fact have cheated on their spouses or girlfriends while on tour. It is a bit frustrating as a woman to see this happening but there is literally nothing I can do about it. If you are a goodlooking and talented male musician, there will always be a woman in the audience who wants to get with that. I myself am dating a goodlooking and talented male musician and I constantly have to watch female fans hit on him. All I can do is trust that he prefers me to all of them, and be glad that those women ALSO recognize how amazing my man is. It’s not the most reassuring thing to think about it when he’s out on tour and I’m not, but again, there’s nothing that can be done about it as long as there are thirsty women out there who want to get with a rock star–which is everywhere.

    girlfriend of a musician
    4 Aug 2022
    12:41pm

    Hey! I thought this was a very interesting read, congrats on your success and achievements! I wanted to ask for some advice – my boyfriend is an independent musical artist, we’re both 20/21yo and in college, he’s a little popular online but his career path does scare me a little as I’m someone whose family priotirizes financial stability and he doesn’t really make money from his music and isn’t as popular as where he wants to be. I want to be supportive but it does scare me. I know he’s insanely talented but to make a living can be hard. And he thinks I’m not investing my time and energy into his career but we’re both young and not really making money right now. Am I valid in my thoughts? How do I support him better?

    Jabez Daniels
    15 Dec 2022
    10:27am

    Hi, I fall in that category, same as your boyfriend. But my girlfriend has been really supportive to my surprise, she kinda understands the game, the struggle every musician has face. That’s all you need to do, keep believing in him and encouraging him to try new things, new opportunities to put himself out there and gain recognition even if money is a p. I hope my comment was helpful, I’m Jay 🙌

      V
      4 Feb 2023
      5:38pm

      Hi Jay! I’m dating a music producer and he tries to explain to me what he actually does and I understand it to an extent but not clearly which makes him upset. I want to show him I’m here supporting him fully. How can I do that? How do I show him I’m understanding what he does?

    Ambs
    20 Jul 2023
    5:03pm

    Thank you for this write up. I’m very interested in a musician from my homestate. He grew up about an hour from me. We’ve talked off and on and I’ve done some flirting. I’m sure he’s cautious, as I would be too. I became interested not based on his career, but how he treats me as person. I’ve even told him if he need any help from me, to please let me know.

      Gaetano
      29 Sep 2023
      2:17pm

      You’re a good person!

    Trish
    29 Sep 2023
    7:06am

    Hey Jay, I met a guy that has told me that he is a singer, that he has been on Broadway but is currently out in LA putting together a concert to launch his career (states that he sings songs like Michael Buble). He states that he has none of his music online, no social media accounts. I’m 40 and he is 55. How likely does this sound?

      Gaetano
      29 Sep 2023
      2:17pm

      Sounds like he is trying to scam you or something. No social media accounts is an immediate red flag.

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